School Ties: Journal Entry

October 20th, 2013

So it has been roughly two months since I started here at this new boarding school. The academics are great I guess, I like most of my classes. But that is not the issue, the problem is that I cannot seem to find a place in this school to fit in. Yes, there are girls that talk to me, but I can tell it is only becuase they feel bad for me, because I always end up sitting by myself. After a few weeks of contemplating what to do, I decided to try and conform to their way of living. This was difficult because most, if not all, the girls at this school come from wealthy families and think they are queens. I am not like that, but I was desperate, so I went along with the charade. My plan worked, but ended up back firing on me. My past had come once again and gotten in the way, history always seems to repeat itself. I have a reputation for self destructing and not only not being able to function, but for being in just an indescribable state of being shut down. I become incoherent for weeks at a time and just block out the world, I also skipped classes because I'm never able to make it through one in that mental state. When this happened, I lost it, I fell apart, and so did my fake facade. After everything kind of crashed and burned, I was ignored, the outcast again, but this time it was worse. I was looked down upon, but I wasn't there to make friends in the first place, I was there to finish high school and graduate, ending my four year term in what always has seemed like an academic prison to me. So there was no way I was going to let those girls run me out of the school. My roommate has always been nice to me, and after what had happened, she was the only one that was nice to me. Like me, she never really said much, but one day she started to talk, and she became my only friend at this school. My grandma checks up on me every so often when she has the time, she lives about 30 minutes from the school. On the weekends we have a little freedom and I always try to convince my grandma to take me in for a while. I haven't seen my family in what seems like a long time but has only been about two and a half months. I do miss my siblings, but not them annoying me. I miss my parents and my best friend. But what I miss the most is my dog Frankie sleeping at the foot of my bed and Louie (my other dog) waking me up. I miss my cat Phineas too and his funny faces. I miss the freedom of being able to drive anywhere I wanted, when I wanted, or so I'd like to think. I drive by my grandparent's on the weekend, but its more of a chauffering job. Plus, I always know I have to go back to school. Which seems like solitary confinement with all its rules and restrictions. It's going to be hard, I can see that, but I'm not going to give up, I going to change my own history this time.